The morning after our diagnosis is a complete blur. I remember we needed to be there at 10 but I can't remember our morning. I remember not knowing what to feed him and I remember that I cried on and off through the night and I really didn't get any sleep. The only thing I knew about diabetes was that they needed to eat a special diet, they could lose a limb and they were prone to blindness. I'm the first to admit that I knew nothing and I feared everything. I kept looking at my little happy guy and wondering why him. Plus it didn't help that once again, I couldn't stop crying. I'm not ashamed to admit that if anyone talked to me, I just cried. I cried at Admissions and I cried when we met our new doctor. I was told we would have an entire team assigned to Levi.
Before we met our doctors, they needed to do the basics with Levi - weigh him, blood pressure, etc. To other kids this might not have been a big deal but Levi has had a fear of the scale since birth. No idea why but nothing makes him scream like having to get weighed. They finally managed to get his weight and he was 12.1 kilos or 26 pounds. 4 months earlier, when he turned 2, he weighed 26 lbs, 3 oz. How did I miss that he lost weight in 4 months? I felt like a failure at that moment. I knew he was skinny but his older brother has the same frame and I didn't think anything of it.
Dr. Kumar, a fellow at Stanford, came and introduced himself. We are going to have a social worker, dietician, nutritionist, diabetes educator and a pediatric endocrinologist on our team. Wow. I was still wrapping my head around how serious this was. I think I wanted to be in denial and I wanted it all to go away. Who wouldn't? No one wants anything wrong with their child. No one wants their child poked and prodded and made to cry.
They taught us to administer insulin, check blood glucose levels and basically educate us until my eyes glazed over. I don't think I caught anything in the last hour. I was so exhausted, so emotionally drained and just so sad. I just cried off and on. I had called my own dad during a break at the lab and when I told him that Levi was going to be ok, he cried. When your own dad cries, it's just tough to handle. I had forgotten that as much as I was upset, all of our family was also upset and trying to deal with it. Everything about our life had to change, willing or not.
I'm someone that would probably be described as a chatty-cathy, quick to laugh and have a good time and generally open with people. I have my flaws but somehow I still have managed to have some really good friends. I don't like to ask for help. I will always offer help but I'd rather give it than receive it. There were three friends that I talked to often during these days. I just cried while talking to them. And it was ok. They let me cry. I will be forever grateful to them for that. My eyes tear up now thinking of it. It is only 1 week later but I realize how devastating it was and how I really needed someone to just let me cry without judging me or without gossiping about me. That helped.
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