Last night, a mother's worse nightmare came true for someone in my church family. Her beautiful 21 year old daughter was killed in a drunk driving accident. The family is currently in Arizona to bring her home. At our church tonight, our priest cried. I don't think anything can compare to losing a child.
I fear losing Levi one day. While he is young, I can do my best to protect him. I can do nightly checks, I can monitor everything he eats and make sure he is active enough. I am with him every moment and I control everything. But what happens when he is older? What happens when he can make his own decisions? Will I have done everything I can to have taught him to value his life? That he is different than others in that he must be more diligent? That a night of drinking can kill him - not by another driver or by a car but by his own body? That even if he is diligent, that the side effects of diabetes might catch up to him? Will I be there to protect him then?
I often look at my kids and think how much I love them. But I don't have fear with the other two. When I think of their futures it is with great excitement and joy. A tinge of fear is always there with Levi. I think this is probably true of most moms. The lesson for now is how to manage the fear.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day - Why Me?
HOW GOD SELECTS THE MOTHER OF A CHILD WITH DIABETES
by Erma Bombeck
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with diabetes are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint Matthew."
"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, Patron Saint Cecilia."
"Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a child with diabetes." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly", smiles God. "Could I give a child with diabetes to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel".
"But has she the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I am going to give her has her own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness. "
The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she cannot separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with less than perfect."
"She does not realize it yet, but she is to be envied. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see .... ignorance, cruelty, prejudice ... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as if she is here by my side."
"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid air. God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
by Erma Bombeck
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with diabetes are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint Matthew."
"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, Patron Saint Cecilia."
"Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a child with diabetes." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly", smiles God. "Could I give a child with diabetes to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel".
"But has she the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I am going to give her has her own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness. "
The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she cannot separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with less than perfect."
"She does not realize it yet, but she is to be envied. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see .... ignorance, cruelty, prejudice ... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as if she is here by my side."
"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid air. God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Dear Levi,
Dear Levi,
You are not yet three but you have gone through so much and you are such an amazing trooper. I started this blog because I had so many feelings pent up inside but then I realized one day, you might read this. I don't know how to explain to you why I have to hurt you sometimes or why I have to sometimes say no to you. Jack and Carolyn try so hard to help you but how does one so little understand what we are trying to do.
Today was your pump start. I had read every page of the pump manual and I had worn the pump for a week. In all fairness I wanted to be done with it and take it off. I know that is not an option for you. Having Daddy restrain you while you screamed and I tried to do the insertion was horrible. No parent wants to hurt their child. No parent wants their child at the hospital either. I hate having to hurt you. I had promised you ice cream so ice cream it was - even at 10:30 in the morning. We took you to McDonalds and you were so happy to have a hot fudge sundae. The lady looked at me funny when we ordered it and in my head I was thinking "don't you dare mess with me today".
I didn't expect to cry so much today. All the feelings of diagnosis day just came back so strong. I felt nauseous driving to the doctor and I felt nervous and sick to my stomach. It's 12 hours later and I'm just feeling less anxious now. I panicked and thought the pump site had gone bad. I second guessed my decision on which insertion device to use. I second guess every decision I make on how much insulin I give you and how many carbs every thing is. And knowing this will never end is tough. There's no finish line in sight.
We're going to your "little carbs" playgroup tomorrow and I want to show you the other little tykes that have pumps too. I'm hoping that you will make connections with other kids with D and as you grow up, these will be your friends that you can confide in and complain to.
Little man - you're so tough and so joyous and so strong. Our family can learn a lot from you. We won't let you down - even if we cry a lot along the way.
Love,
Mommy
You are not yet three but you have gone through so much and you are such an amazing trooper. I started this blog because I had so many feelings pent up inside but then I realized one day, you might read this. I don't know how to explain to you why I have to hurt you sometimes or why I have to sometimes say no to you. Jack and Carolyn try so hard to help you but how does one so little understand what we are trying to do.
Today was your pump start. I had read every page of the pump manual and I had worn the pump for a week. In all fairness I wanted to be done with it and take it off. I know that is not an option for you. Having Daddy restrain you while you screamed and I tried to do the insertion was horrible. No parent wants to hurt their child. No parent wants their child at the hospital either. I hate having to hurt you. I had promised you ice cream so ice cream it was - even at 10:30 in the morning. We took you to McDonalds and you were so happy to have a hot fudge sundae. The lady looked at me funny when we ordered it and in my head I was thinking "don't you dare mess with me today".
I didn't expect to cry so much today. All the feelings of diagnosis day just came back so strong. I felt nauseous driving to the doctor and I felt nervous and sick to my stomach. It's 12 hours later and I'm just feeling less anxious now. I panicked and thought the pump site had gone bad. I second guessed my decision on which insertion device to use. I second guess every decision I make on how much insulin I give you and how many carbs every thing is. And knowing this will never end is tough. There's no finish line in sight.
We're going to your "little carbs" playgroup tomorrow and I want to show you the other little tykes that have pumps too. I'm hoping that you will make connections with other kids with D and as you grow up, these will be your friends that you can confide in and complain to.
Little man - you're so tough and so joyous and so strong. Our family can learn a lot from you. We won't let you down - even if we cry a lot along the way.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
4 Months Today
I'm quite surprised that today is 4 months and instead of wallowing in our new life, I have been so excited all day (with a tinge of sadness I guess). Last week, Dave and I had quite a few discussions because I was just down. This disease can be debillitating. It never ends. It never stops. It never takes a break. It just wears me down. I can't go through my life always thinking about it. I have to be able to concentrate on my family and to have fun.
We had tossed around the idea of getting a Diabetic Alert Dog for Levi. Nighttimes are the worst. Our biggest fear is of Levi not waking up in the morning. Last week he had so many lows that it was upsetting. If a dog could help save Levi's life - then of course I have to have it. Dave was very hesitant but knew that if something happened to Levi and there was a chance we could have prevented it - our family would never recover.
A dog isn't cheap. In fact, it's as expensive as a car. $20,000 for these dogs. Initially the dollar amount completely freaked me out but I would do anything for our little guy.
We went active today with Warren Retrievers - http://www.guardianangelservicedogs.org/. Check them out. It is amazing what they are doing for families of diabetics.
Is it cheap? Nope. Could it save Levi's life? Absolutely. I couldn't be more excited. We have to wait 6-8 months but we will.
We had tossed around the idea of getting a Diabetic Alert Dog for Levi. Nighttimes are the worst. Our biggest fear is of Levi not waking up in the morning. Last week he had so many lows that it was upsetting. If a dog could help save Levi's life - then of course I have to have it. Dave was very hesitant but knew that if something happened to Levi and there was a chance we could have prevented it - our family would never recover.
A dog isn't cheap. In fact, it's as expensive as a car. $20,000 for these dogs. Initially the dollar amount completely freaked me out but I would do anything for our little guy.
We went active today with Warren Retrievers - http://www.guardianangelservicedogs.org/. Check them out. It is amazing what they are doing for families of diabetics.
Is it cheap? Nope. Could it save Levi's life? Absolutely. I couldn't be more excited. We have to wait 6-8 months but we will.
Friday, March 9, 2012
What diabetes is really like for a parent
I've copied this from the blogger "mom of an extra sweet insulin girl". I am copying it because it is just so perfect. For all of you that ask me "how are you" or "is it getting easier", this one is for you.
This life with diabetes is hard. It will always be hard. It will never be how it once was. The way that you lived your life before diagnosis will never be again. Those days of carefree easy freedom are gone. The days of having your biggest worry be whether or not your child behaved at school are but a mere memory now. You will long for those days. You will bargain to get them back. You will pray for them to return. You will cry. You will cry. You will cry. You will never have a decent full nights worry free sleep again. It just will not happen. Do NOT believe the doctors when they tell you that you do not need to check your child's blood sugar overnight. You will never kiss your child goodbye as you drop them off at school, daycare, etc the same way again. You will linger with that parting hug just a bit longer...holding them...staring in their eyes to search for any signs of impending low blood sugars once you are gone. You will never look at activity or physical exercise the same way again. You won't see it as a "good way to burn off some of their never ending energy"...but rather as falling blood sugar numbers and "how long have they been running around? Do they look pale? Where did I put that juicebox? You will never look at food the same way again. It will no longer be about quickly grabbing dinner on the way home...or skipping lunch because you are out busy running errands. It will be about pre-planning, measuring carbs, giving insulin at the proper point in time to combat high blood sugars, making sure the restaurant has nutrition guides to help you determing carb counts, and guessing...always guessing. Life will never be about the black and white obvious clear cut answer anymore.
What no one will tell you in the beginning
I'm not
gonna lie to you. I won't sugar coat it. I am going to lay it all out on the
line for you. Not in an attempt to scare you or give you nightmares...but rather
in an attempt to prepare you...to help you...to shine the light on it all for
you because I really wish that someone had been there to shine the light for me
and be honest from the get go. So, if you are not a fan of the truth or blatant
honesty...then please read no further.
This life with diabetes is hard. It will always be hard. It will never be how it once was. The way that you lived your life before diagnosis will never be again. Those days of carefree easy freedom are gone. The days of having your biggest worry be whether or not your child behaved at school are but a mere memory now. You will long for those days. You will bargain to get them back. You will pray for them to return. You will cry. You will cry. You will cry. You will never have a decent full nights worry free sleep again. It just will not happen. Do NOT believe the doctors when they tell you that you do not need to check your child's blood sugar overnight. You will never kiss your child goodbye as you drop them off at school, daycare, etc the same way again. You will linger with that parting hug just a bit longer...holding them...staring in their eyes to search for any signs of impending low blood sugars once you are gone. You will never look at activity or physical exercise the same way again. You won't see it as a "good way to burn off some of their never ending energy"...but rather as falling blood sugar numbers and "how long have they been running around? Do they look pale? Where did I put that juicebox? You will never look at food the same way again. It will no longer be about quickly grabbing dinner on the way home...or skipping lunch because you are out busy running errands. It will be about pre-planning, measuring carbs, giving insulin at the proper point in time to combat high blood sugars, making sure the restaurant has nutrition guides to help you determing carb counts, and guessing...always guessing. Life will never be about the black and white obvious clear cut answer anymore.
There is no book or manual out there
that you can reference to get a specific answer to your detailed questions.
There are only guesses...some guesses are more educated than others...but they
are all still guesses. You will learn that doctors, nurses, and all other
members of the medical field do NOT know as much as you once though they did.
You will learn that over time, you will probably know the ins and outs of
diabetes management better than they do honestly. You will learn that diabetes
doesn't play fair. It doesn't follow any rules but it's own. You will learn that
what works one day, may or may not work the next day. You will learn that
nothing is for certain. You will learn how to plan for the worst case
scenario...all the while knowing that you really have no idea how you will react
if that scenario ever actually comes to be.
You will learn that you and your
child will be judged. You will encounter ignorance. You will encounter
rudeness...discrimination. You will learn that you have to choose how you react
to that ignorance...you can either get angry and stoop to their level in
response....or you can get angry and educate them instead..advocate for your
child instead. You will feel like a broken record...repeating the same few lines
over and over again to the ignorant masses. My child did not get diabetes from
eating too much sugar. My child can not be cured just by not feeding them foods
with sugar in it anymore. My child CAN eat anything. My child CAN do anything.
No she will not grow out of it.
You will be sad. You will cry. You will cry. You
will cry. You will feel what true exhaustion feels like. You will be jealous of
parents who have children that are not type 1 diabetic. You will feel like you
can't relate to those parents or friends anymore. You will find out who your
true friends are. You will find out who will be there for you in your time of
need. You will find out who actually cares and who could really care less. You
will feel like you
just...can't....do...this...anymore.........................
but you can.
You will learn that no matter what life throws at you, you and your child CAN DO THIS. You will find out that you are a lot stronger than you ever thought you were. You will see that your child is stronger and more brave than most adults. You will see that while yes this life is hard.....it does get easier. You will find comfort and solace in the familiar...the routine. You will gain confidence as the days go by. That is where you will find things a tad bit easier....in the confidence you gain. You will find comfort in others. You will feel a connection...a bond with other parents going through this same thing. You will gain a new family in them. You will find yourself wanting to help them...going out of your way to help them...to help their child when they are struggling. You will find yourself crying with them, laughing with them, proud of them. You will feel a connection with your own child that would otherwise never had been possible. You will get to know how their body reacts to things...foods, activity, emotions, stress. You will learn their patterns. Seek out the patterns for they are your key to finding some sanity.
but you can.
You will learn that no matter what life throws at you, you and your child CAN DO THIS. You will find out that you are a lot stronger than you ever thought you were. You will see that your child is stronger and more brave than most adults. You will see that while yes this life is hard.....it does get easier. You will find comfort and solace in the familiar...the routine. You will gain confidence as the days go by. That is where you will find things a tad bit easier....in the confidence you gain. You will find comfort in others. You will feel a connection...a bond with other parents going through this same thing. You will gain a new family in them. You will find yourself wanting to help them...going out of your way to help them...to help their child when they are struggling. You will find yourself crying with them, laughing with them, proud of them. You will feel a connection with your own child that would otherwise never had been possible. You will get to know how their body reacts to things...foods, activity, emotions, stress. You will learn their patterns. Seek out the patterns for they are your key to finding some sanity.
You will realize
that you CAN do this. Sure there will still be days that pass where you feel
like diabetes has knocked you to the ground...flat on your face..beating you,
but those days will pass...the sun will come out tomorrow and shine on a new
day. You can do this. You will cry, you will smile, you will feel pride, joy,
anger, sorrow, jealousy, grief, exhaustion, fear, stress, pain.......you will
feel all these things and more...to such an extreme level as well. Please do not
ever forget, you can do this....you ARE doing this....you are strong...and you
are doing this.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Post? Sort-of??
I fully realize that my posts are not full of sunshine and happiness. Usually when I take the time to write, it is because something is weighing on my mind. Earlier today, I thought that since it is Valentine's Day, I should write a post about how much I love my kiddos. Then life got in the way.
Here are some of the highlights of my day:
So my happy post about how much I love my children was hijacked by the stupidity of the world and by my sensitivity to it. I'll try again next time.
Here are some of the highlights of my day:
- "Today must really suck for Levi since he can't celebrate Valentine's Day"
- "sorry I didn't get some chocolate for Levi since it is Valentine's Day"
- In talking to his endo about moving to a pump, "as long as you realize it's not a cure"
- I don't want my unborn child to get diabetes, how can I prevent it"
So my happy post about how much I love my children was hijacked by the stupidity of the world and by my sensitivity to it. I'll try again next time.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Lessons
Jack, Carolyn and my hubby all got the stomach flu but recovered after a few days. Levi got it too. Wow. We survived our first hospitalization up at Lucille Packard Children's Hospital and it has taken exactly two weeks for recovery. This is the shortest blog ever for the most miserable two weeks ever. Instead of rehashing all the terrible details, I thought I would share some lessons learned.
Like I said, a short blog for a terrible time. My new goal is to not ever repeat the past two weeks.
I found this on you tube. I have no idea why it made me cry. But it did. Thought I would share.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXdKrocRlHs
- it's always the hot nurse on call when you get diarrhea in the emergency room
- nothing works better than hospitalization to convince friends and family that Diabetes is serious
- diabetes is determined to make me lose my sunny outlook
- some friends get it, most don't.
- after only 2 months, I knew Levi's diabetes better than the doctors/nurses
- the pediatric endocrinologists never come out of their golden tower
- moms on the babycenter "children with diabetes" are my go-to folks for assistance
- when you think the vomiting is over, the diarrhea starts.
Like I said, a short blog for a terrible time. My new goal is to not ever repeat the past two weeks.
I found this on you tube. I have no idea why it made me cry. But it did. Thought I would share.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXdKrocRlHs
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
OUCH! OUCH OUCH!!!!
Diabetes decided that it wasn't taking up enough of our time. It wanted us to spend 2 1/2 hours on Monday with the doctor and another 3 hours today. Kudos to Levi who is learning to play with his trains on the floor and totally disregard the adults.
All I can say is ouch. Today was the day we learned about the insulin pump. The pump would be attached to Levi and "feed" him his insulin directly into the fat beneath his skin. He would wear the pump on a belt and then there would be a tube into his bum. Stanford won't allow you to move forward with the pump until you wear it yourself. Dave went first. It wasn't pretty. I have to admit that I was rolling with laughter after Dave nearly assaulted the lady when she inserted the needle. But then it was my turn. I was thinking to myself, "how hard can this be? I've given birth". DAMN. It's 2 hours later and I think I still feel it. First of all, it's not a shot. I think they tried to insert a damn knitting needle into my stomach. I yelled ouch. Then they told me that once it was in, I wouldn't feel it anymore. I felt it. I felt it for every second until the removed it. Ummm, I don't see this working out for us. Call me a wimp. I'm actually bruised where it went in and I have a small bloody red spot from it. So please, explain to me again how I'm going to do this to Levi every 3 days? Ummm, again, I don't see that happening.
Thanks for the class Stanford. I think I'll continue with the daily regimen of 4 shots. Otherwise, I think I would need to take a valium every 3 days. Nope, not gonna happen.
All I can say is ouch. Today was the day we learned about the insulin pump. The pump would be attached to Levi and "feed" him his insulin directly into the fat beneath his skin. He would wear the pump on a belt and then there would be a tube into his bum. Stanford won't allow you to move forward with the pump until you wear it yourself. Dave went first. It wasn't pretty. I have to admit that I was rolling with laughter after Dave nearly assaulted the lady when she inserted the needle. But then it was my turn. I was thinking to myself, "how hard can this be? I've given birth". DAMN. It's 2 hours later and I think I still feel it. First of all, it's not a shot. I think they tried to insert a damn knitting needle into my stomach. I yelled ouch. Then they told me that once it was in, I wouldn't feel it anymore. I felt it. I felt it for every second until the removed it. Ummm, I don't see this working out for us. Call me a wimp. I'm actually bruised where it went in and I have a small bloody red spot from it. So please, explain to me again how I'm going to do this to Levi every 3 days? Ummm, again, I don't see that happening.
Thanks for the class Stanford. I think I'll continue with the daily regimen of 4 shots. Otherwise, I think I would need to take a valium every 3 days. Nope, not gonna happen.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
2 months today
Hard to believe it's been 2 months as of today because it feels like so much longer. Diabetes has been so tiring and so darn relentless. It never gives us a break and if we relax with it at all, it strikes back with a vengeance. Damn diabetes. I don't hate many things in my life but I can say with total confidence that I hate diabetes.
Paula Deen is not helping our cause. Everyone is criticizing her for the way she cooks and with her recent annoucetment of having diabetes, it just doesn't help. It's already bad enough that everyone thinks that diabetes is a lifestyle disease. Diabetes 2 is. But Levi DOESN'T HAVE DIABETES 2. He has Diabetes 1. Juvenile Diabetes. No, I didn't feed him juice/coke from birth. Nope, he's not overweight and I didn't stuff him full of sugar. No, I didn't do this to him and No, he didn't have this from birth. I didn't overlook it. We did not cause this.
I went out to lunch with a childhood friend, someone who does care, and I realized how little information there is on diabetes 1. It is an autoimmune disease. They don't know how one gets it and there is no cure. He will have this his entire life unless a cure is found. He has to manage this always and we don't get a break from it. As much as we will try and minimize diabetes, it will always be lurking in the background. I've had a few postings on facebook and I realized that most people don't have a clue what I'm talking about. If I was in their shoes, I totally understand that I wouldn't know either. I don't blame them but I realize that we are alone in this. Of course there are other families dealing with it, and maybe dealing with it better than we are, but in reality it's just our family.
I went to a MOPS mom's group and the subject was patience. I need to have patience with others. I need to have patience with myself as I am still learning. We head back to Lucille Packard children's hospital tomorrow and I have quite the list of questions.
But today is also a day of celebration. We have come so far and we will not let diabetes define Levi. We have continued to do fun family things and more importantly, he is not only alive, but he is thriving.
Paula Deen is not helping our cause. Everyone is criticizing her for the way she cooks and with her recent annoucetment of having diabetes, it just doesn't help. It's already bad enough that everyone thinks that diabetes is a lifestyle disease. Diabetes 2 is. But Levi DOESN'T HAVE DIABETES 2. He has Diabetes 1. Juvenile Diabetes. No, I didn't feed him juice/coke from birth. Nope, he's not overweight and I didn't stuff him full of sugar. No, I didn't do this to him and No, he didn't have this from birth. I didn't overlook it. We did not cause this.
I went out to lunch with a childhood friend, someone who does care, and I realized how little information there is on diabetes 1. It is an autoimmune disease. They don't know how one gets it and there is no cure. He will have this his entire life unless a cure is found. He has to manage this always and we don't get a break from it. As much as we will try and minimize diabetes, it will always be lurking in the background. I've had a few postings on facebook and I realized that most people don't have a clue what I'm talking about. If I was in their shoes, I totally understand that I wouldn't know either. I don't blame them but I realize that we are alone in this. Of course there are other families dealing with it, and maybe dealing with it better than we are, but in reality it's just our family.
I went to a MOPS mom's group and the subject was patience. I need to have patience with others. I need to have patience with myself as I am still learning. We head back to Lucille Packard children's hospital tomorrow and I have quite the list of questions.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Battling the lows
My husband went away this weekend for the first time in a long time. It's been fairly stressful lately so it was good that at least one of us had a breather. On Saturday morning I took all three kids to the park with some friends. We were there about 2 hours and Levi came up and said "food". He'd been playing pretty hard so I decided to test him. He was 45! Normal range for regular kids is 70-120. Usually Levi is around 150 during the day. Going this low taught me a lesson. I wasn't really prepared. I had 3 hershey kisses with me and 1/2 of his apple from the morning. I totally forgot that I had a juice box in the car. I got his sugars up but he went low throughout the day. It was the first time that my mom babysat. I had a princess party for my 4 year old. He went low for her and she panicked. It's like the blind leading the blind around here. I checked him at 9:00 pm too after he had been asleep for a few hours. He was 62 so I gave him juice. He loved that! Thankfully his numbers went up and I only checked him at 11 pm and 3 am. I feel like I have a newborn again.
On a more positive note, in the last 2 days, there have been 3 times that Levi did not cry when he got his shots. What a relief! I hated having to hold him down while he cried. Nothing tears at your heart like hurting your child. I HATED IT. We went out to Japanese food and after we ate, he just stood on his chair and let us give him both shots. I was so proud of him. I'm thinking of starting some kind of reward chart for him. I still worry every moment. I wake up thinking of diabetes and I go to bed thinking about it. I hate diabetes.
On a more positive note, in the last 2 days, there have been 3 times that Levi did not cry when he got his shots. What a relief! I hated having to hold him down while he cried. Nothing tears at your heart like hurting your child. I HATED IT. We went out to Japanese food and after we ate, he just stood on his chair and let us give him both shots. I was so proud of him. I'm thinking of starting some kind of reward chart for him. I still worry every moment. I wake up thinking of diabetes and I go to bed thinking about it. I hate diabetes.
Monday, January 2, 2012
My new years resolution
It's day two of the new year and I've been wanting to post, but just unsure of what to write. I've joined some support groups and online yahoo groups. It can be so overwhelming to hear about CGM, pumps, bolusing etc. I don't even know what they mean yet. People write about their worries/concerns and I don't even know what they are talking about. It is as if there is an entire world of diabetes to be worried about, but I haven't learned enough to worry about it yet.
I'm still sleeping in Levi's room. I'm still worried every morning if he will wake up. I worry about his blood glucose levels all day long. Now that he has stopped crying when I check his blood sugar, I find myself checking it much more often. When his daddy goes to check him, Levi now cries for me to do it. That's just another added stress. I read a post from another mom that said "reduce stress". I'm going to take that to heart.
Usually my new years resolution is the exact same thing. Lose those last 5-10 pounds. Not this year. This year my resolution, although copied from someone else, is to reduce stress. I always want my house neat and everything in order and in all honestly, I can't do it. My brain can't keep up. I worry about Levi all day long. I just don't have the energy to worry about too much else. When asked to volunteer, I won't say yes unless I can do it without stressing. No more. And I can't worry about what others think. I can't worry about what the other moms on the playground at school are saying about me. I can only worry about my three children. They are growing up so fast and I'm going to cherish it.
No more.
I'm still sleeping in Levi's room. I'm still worried every morning if he will wake up. I worry about his blood glucose levels all day long. Now that he has stopped crying when I check his blood sugar, I find myself checking it much more often. When his daddy goes to check him, Levi now cries for me to do it. That's just another added stress. I read a post from another mom that said "reduce stress". I'm going to take that to heart.
Usually my new years resolution is the exact same thing. Lose those last 5-10 pounds. Not this year. This year my resolution, although copied from someone else, is to reduce stress. I always want my house neat and everything in order and in all honestly, I can't do it. My brain can't keep up. I worry about Levi all day long. I just don't have the energy to worry about too much else. When asked to volunteer, I won't say yes unless I can do it without stressing. No more. And I can't worry about what others think. I can't worry about what the other moms on the playground at school are saying about me. I can only worry about my three children. They are growing up so fast and I'm going to cherish it.
No more.
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