Dear Levi,

Dear Levi,

You are not yet three but you have gone through so much and you are such an amazing trooper.  I started this blog because I had so many feelings pent up inside but then I realized one day, you might read this.  I don't know how to explain to you why I have to hurt you sometimes or why I have to sometimes say no to you.  Jack and Carolyn try so hard to help you but how does one so little understand what we are trying to do.

Today was your pump start.  I had read every page of the pump manual and I had worn the pump for a week.  In all fairness I wanted to be done with it and take it off. I know that is not an option for you.  Having Daddy restrain you while you screamed and I tried to do the insertion was horrible.  No parent wants to hurt their child.  No parent wants their child at the hospital either.  I hate having to hurt you.  I had promised you ice cream so ice cream it was - even at 10:30 in the morning.  We took you to McDonalds and you were so happy to have a hot fudge sundae.  The lady looked at me funny when we ordered it and in my head I was thinking "don't you dare mess with me today". 

I didn't expect to cry so much today.  All the feelings of diagnosis day just came back so strong.  I felt nauseous driving to the doctor and I felt nervous and sick to my stomach.  It's 12 hours later and I'm just feeling less anxious now.  I panicked and thought the pump site had gone bad.  I second guessed my decision on which insertion device to use.  I second guess every decision I make on how much insulin I give you and how many carbs every thing is.  And knowing this will never end is tough.  There's no finish line in sight. 

We're going to your "little carbs" playgroup tomorrow and I want to show you the other little tykes that have pumps too.  I'm hoping that you will make connections with other kids with D and as you grow up, these will be your friends that you can confide in and complain to.

Little man - you're so tough and so joyous and so strong.  Our family can learn a lot from you.  We won't let you down - even if we cry a lot along the way.

Love,
Mommy