Happy Post? Sort-of??

I fully realize that my posts are not full of sunshine and happiness.  Usually when I take the time to write, it is because something is weighing on my mind.  Earlier today, I thought that since it is Valentine's Day, I should write a post about how much I love my kiddos.  Then life got in the way.

Here are some of the highlights of my day:

• "Today must really suck for Levi since he can't celebrate Valentine's Day"

Yes, it sucks that it is Valentines Day for Levi but we'll work chocolate/candy into the day. Thanks for commenting.

• "sorry I didn't get some chocolate for Levi since it is Valentine's Day"

Yes, thank you for pointing out that there is a goodie bag for every other child but mine.  I'll be sure to explain to my 2 year old that he doesn't get one.

• In talking to his endo about moving to a pump, "as long as you realize it's not a cure"

Thanks Doc, I thought the pump would solve all my problems.  Thanks for clarifying that diabetes still sucks.

• I don't want my unborn child to get diabetes, how can I prevent it"

I clearly wanted mine to get it, which is why I didn't prevent it.  Go to hell.

So my happy post about how much I love my children was hijacked by the stupidity of the world and by my sensitivity to it. I'll try again next time.

Lessons

Jack, Carolyn and my hubby all got the stomach flu but recovered after a few days.  Levi got it too.  Wow.  We survived our first hospitalization up at Lucille Packard Children's Hospital and it has taken exactly two weeks for recovery.  This is the shortest blog ever for the most miserable two weeks ever.  Instead of rehashing all the terrible details, I thought I would share some lessons learned. 

• it's always the hot nurse on call when you get diarrhea in the emergency room
• nothing works better than hospitalization to convince friends and family that Diabetes is serious
• diabetes is determined to make me lose my sunny outlook
• some friends get it, most don't.
• after only 2 months, I knew Levi's diabetes better than the doctors/nurses
• the pediatric endocrinologists never come out of their golden tower
• moms on the babycenter "children with diabetes" are my go-to folks for assistance
• when you think the vomiting is over, the diarrhea starts.

Lastly, I learned that my 2 year old son is amazing.  He handled a catheter, IV's, numerous pokes and prods, and overall miserableness with such grace.  Diabetes has not dampened his spirit nor has it changed his personality. 

Like I said, a short blog for a terrible time.  My new goal is to not ever repeat the past two weeks. 

I found this on you tube.  I have no idea why it made me cry.  But it did.  Thought I would share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXdKrocRlHs

OUCH! OUCH OUCH!!!!

Diabetes decided that it wasn't taking up enough of our time.  It wanted us to spend 2 1/2 hours on Monday with the doctor and another 3 hours today.  Kudos to Levi who is learning to play with his trains on the floor and totally disregard the adults. 

All I can say is ouch.  Today was the day we learned about the insulin pump.  The pump would be attached to Levi and "feed" him his insulin directly into the fat beneath his skin.  He would wear the pump on a belt and then there would be a tube into his bum.  Stanford won't allow you to move forward with the pump until you wear it yourself.  Dave went first.  It wasn't pretty.  I have to admit that I was rolling with laughter after Dave nearly assaulted the lady when she inserted the needle.  But then it was my turn.  I was thinking to myself, "how hard can this be?  I've given birth".  DAMN.  It's 2 hours later and I think I still feel it.  First of all, it's not a shot.  I think they tried to insert a damn knitting needle into my stomach.  I yelled ouch.  Then they told me that once it was in, I wouldn't feel it anymore.  I felt it.  I felt it for every second until the removed it.  Ummm, I don't see this working out for us.  Call me a wimp.  I'm actually bruised where it went in and I have a small bloody red spot from it.  So please, explain to me again how I'm going to do this to Levi every 3 days?  Ummm, again, I don't see that happening. 

Thanks for the class Stanford.  I think I'll continue with the daily regimen of 4 shots.  Otherwise, I think I would need to take a valium every 3 days.  Nope, not gonna happen.

2 months today

Hard to believe it's been 2 months as of today because it feels like so much longer.  Diabetes has been so tiring and so darn relentless.  It never gives us a break and if we relax with it at all, it strikes back with a vengeance.  Damn diabetes.  I don't hate many things in my life but I can say with total confidence that I hate diabetes.

Paula Deen is not helping our cause.  Everyone is criticizing her for the way she cooks and with her recent annoucetment of having diabetes, it just doesn't help.  It's already bad enough that everyone thinks that diabetes is a lifestyle disease.  Diabetes 2 is.  But Levi DOESN'T HAVE DIABETES 2.  He has Diabetes 1.  Juvenile Diabetes.  No, I didn't feed him juice/coke from birth.  Nope, he's not overweight and I didn't stuff him full of sugar.  No, I didn't do this to him and No, he didn't have this from birth.  I didn't overlook it.  We did not cause this.

I went out to lunch with a childhood friend, someone who does care, and I realized how little information there is on diabetes 1.  It is an autoimmune disease.  They don't know how one gets it and there is no cure.  He will have this his entire life unless a cure is found.  He has to manage this always and we don't get a break from it.  As much as we will try and minimize diabetes, it will always be lurking in the background.  I've had a few postings on facebook and I realized that most people don't have a clue what I'm talking about.  If I was in their shoes, I totally understand that I wouldn't know either.  I don't blame them but I realize that we are alone in this.  Of course there are other families dealing with it, and maybe dealing with it better than we are, but in reality it's just our family.

I went to a MOPS mom's group and the subject was patience.  I need to have patience with others.  I need to have patience with myself as I am still learning.  We head back to Lucille Packard children's hospital tomorrow and I have quite the list of questions.

But today is also a day of celebration.  We have come so far and we will not let diabetes define Levi.  We have continued to do fun family things and more importantly, he is not only alive, but he is thriving.

Battling the lows

My husband went away this weekend for the first time in a long time.  It's been fairly stressful lately so it was good that at least one of us had a breather.  On Saturday morning I took all three kids to the park with some friends.  We were there about 2 hours and Levi came up and said "food".  He'd been playing pretty hard so I decided to test him.  He was 45!  Normal range for regular kids is 70-120.  Usually Levi is around 150 during the day.  Going this low taught me a lesson.  I wasn't really prepared.  I had 3 hershey kisses with me and 1/2 of his apple from the morning.  I totally forgot that I had a juice box in the car.  I got his sugars up but he went low throughout the day.  It was the first time that my mom babysat.  I had a princess party for my 4 year old.  He went low for her and she panicked.  It's like the blind leading the blind around here.  I checked him at 9:00 pm too after he had been asleep for a few hours.  He was 62 so I gave him juice.  He loved that!  Thankfully his numbers went up and I only checked him at 11 pm and 3 am.  I feel like I have a newborn again. 

On a more positive note, in the last 2 days, there have been 3 times that Levi did not cry when he got his shots.  What a relief!  I hated having to hold him down while he cried.  Nothing tears at your heart like hurting your child.  I HATED IT.  We went out to Japanese food and after we ate, he just stood on his chair and let us give him both shots.  I was so proud of him.  I'm thinking of starting some kind of reward chart for him.  I still worry every moment.  I wake up thinking of diabetes and I go to bed thinking about it.  I hate diabetes. 

My new years resolution

It's day two of the new year and I've been wanting to post, but just unsure of what to write.  I've joined some support groups and online yahoo groups.  It can be so overwhelming to hear about CGM, pumps, bolusing etc.  I don't even know what they mean yet.  People write about their worries/concerns and I don't even know what they are talking about.  It is as if there is an entire world of diabetes to be worried about, but I haven't learned enough to worry about it yet.

I'm still sleeping in Levi's room.  I'm still worried every morning if he will wake up.  I worry about his blood glucose levels all day long.  Now that he has stopped crying when I check his blood sugar, I find myself checking it much more often.  When his daddy goes to check him, Levi now cries for me to do it.  That's just another added stress.  I read a post from another mom that said "reduce stress".  I'm going to take that to heart.

Usually my new years resolution is the exact same thing.  Lose those last 5-10 pounds.  Not this year.  This year my resolution, although copied from someone else, is to reduce stress.  I always want my house neat and everything in order and in all honestly, I can't do it.  My brain can't keep up.  I worry about Levi all day long.  I just don't have the energy to worry about too much else.  When asked to volunteer, I won't say yes unless I can do it without stressing.  No more.  And I can't worry about what others think.  I can't worry about what the other moms on the playground at school are saying about me.  I can only worry about my three children.  They are growing up so fast and I'm going to cherish it.

No more.

Early Start

A few months ago I contacted Early Start because I felt Levi wasn't talking as well as he should be.  He's very difficult to understand and I'm always translating for him.  They finally came out this week to do a full evaluation on him.  Now that he has diabetes, I feel like I need to get him talking!  I need to know if he doesn't feel well or if his tummy aches.  They tested him for over an hour and he does qualify for services.  It's kind of a mixed feeling.  On one hand, I'm glad he will get the help that he needs.  But on the otherhand, he needed to be in the bottom 33% to qualify so I wish he wasn't. 
I wish I could just hug him and hold him tight.  I wish diabetes never came into our lives.  I wish he didn't need speech therapy.  It's just one more thing that takes away from his play time.  He is such a happy little guy.  Don't you wish you could just wave your magic wand and make it all better?

Yesterday Levi's numbers were all over the board.  I'm learning that I need to be much better at counting carbs.  I counted his carbs with dinner and then gave him his shot.  My older son had cub scouts last night and I needed to provide cookies for the meeting.  I couldn't not give one to Levi!  And I didn't have the heart to give him another shot.  At bedtime his numbers were in the 300s.  I realized that I need to be stronger.  That's an area I'm clearly struggling with.  Shots are still so traumatic for us.  He cries so hard and I have to hold him down.  I finally got off my arse and filled out the pump paperwork and sent it to Medtronic.  I might as well start the ball going.

I feel so behind on everything.  Things are slipping through the cracks.  I haven't been working with my kinder on his work, we haven't been doing all the fun xmas stuff and in general, I feel like diabetes has taken over our life.  Maybe my new year's resolution will be to take our life back.